People
People...
Of all nationalities
Races and religions
People...
Forever searching,
Always hoping,
Never finding.
People...
Living for,
Wishing for,
Dying for...
Peace.
~Shanelle
The Crusader
Always hoping
Always loving
Never seeing the bad...
Only the good
The crusader
Save the world
Save the soul,
Every wrong ...
Can be made a right
The Crusader
A naive heart,
An optimistic soul.
The Crusader
Heart torn,
Broken,
Stepped on...
Lying on the floor.
The Crusader
Dreams lost,
Broken
and forgotten,
Lying at the door.
The Crusader
Let mankind
save itself.
I give up,
I don't care
The Crusader
~Shanelle
The Wall of Life
I walk through each day
With the mask of life in place.
No one can tell
The true emotion on my face.
Maybe someday the wall will crumble.
The mask I wear
Hides me from all.
My emotions forever
Locked behind a wall.
Maybe someday the wall will fall.
I know you try to to find
A way to free me.
But can't you see???
My wall will forever bind.
~Shanelle
Rain Forest
Darkly menacing,
Gently swaying...
Always breathing...
Forever living.
The jungle paths twist and turn
Like a living, breathing maze.
The vibrant colors are forever alive
They will grow brighter... always.
The jungle animals are forever stalking
The look in their eyes
Forever remembered...
As one of our demise.
A cry in the night
Of one lone panther...
A growl in the shadows
Of one majestic jaguar.
Deeply encompassing,
The fears surround
And leave with one forever...
The feeling of being bound.
~Shanelle
more to follow later............ i'm tired now.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sleep is Optional Apparently
I have asked and re-asked Spirit to grant me peace tonight so that my spirit may heal and rest in it's own right. I keep getting that I need to write. I can't find my old poems to put on here so I guess I shall write about what is first on my mind... and what I can't seem to speak aloud...
I lost my virginity at age 4 to my father. I'm not sure how often he would molest me. It's one of those things that my subconscious has hidden from me. Perhaps through this writing I will remember or perhaps I will learn to accept that not remembering is a grace from Spirit. One question... if you lose your virginity at 4 doesn't that mean that you are destined to be promiscuous in your teenage and 20's? I don't know that I've ever "made love" or even believe in that. My body was always used as a tool to keep a boyfriend, get a boyfriend, or make someone else happy. So, I never truly cared if I was promiscuous by society's standards or not.
Now, after leaving a relationship that was less than wholesome for my psyche I'm forced to re-evaluate things. I asked for someone to love and accept Cheyenne like she was his own. And, I got that in Rikki. I guess that what I forgot to ask for was someone to love me as well. I thought that would just come with the "relationship" but we hadn't had sex for almost 2 1/2 years and probably only had sex a handful of times of the course of our 5 year relationship. It's one of those things that I went from a lot to none.
Of course, being female in persuasion, I opted to assume that it was my fault that he didn't want to have sex with me. Now, I'm to the point of thinking that it was my fault because I haven't been a "whole" person since I was 4... or maybe at 2 when he tried to drown me? I'm not sure when everything got all fucked up but it definitely has.
So, 7 days... 2 suicide attempts... and a depression with no light at the end of the tunnel. This is my life now. It's almost a "double life" I suppose. On one hand, I'm in school for massage therapy and I offer advice to any that ask it of me. Several ask... On the other hand, I cut and stay in my room, sleep a lot, and well be depressed.
Someone added me tonight on Facebook and said that he was always glad to meet others on the path... I don't feel like I'm on the path. Actually, I feel like I've taken a non-GPSed route off of the path that I thought I was so entrenched and in love with. Basically, I don't feel "worthy" to be on that path anymore... But, I guess I'll keep working on that.
Now that I've done some writing, I hope Spirit is satisfied and I'm able to sleep now...
Ciao~*~
I lost my virginity at age 4 to my father. I'm not sure how often he would molest me. It's one of those things that my subconscious has hidden from me. Perhaps through this writing I will remember or perhaps I will learn to accept that not remembering is a grace from Spirit. One question... if you lose your virginity at 4 doesn't that mean that you are destined to be promiscuous in your teenage and 20's? I don't know that I've ever "made love" or even believe in that. My body was always used as a tool to keep a boyfriend, get a boyfriend, or make someone else happy. So, I never truly cared if I was promiscuous by society's standards or not.
Now, after leaving a relationship that was less than wholesome for my psyche I'm forced to re-evaluate things. I asked for someone to love and accept Cheyenne like she was his own. And, I got that in Rikki. I guess that what I forgot to ask for was someone to love me as well. I thought that would just come with the "relationship" but we hadn't had sex for almost 2 1/2 years and probably only had sex a handful of times of the course of our 5 year relationship. It's one of those things that I went from a lot to none.
Of course, being female in persuasion, I opted to assume that it was my fault that he didn't want to have sex with me. Now, I'm to the point of thinking that it was my fault because I haven't been a "whole" person since I was 4... or maybe at 2 when he tried to drown me? I'm not sure when everything got all fucked up but it definitely has.
So, 7 days... 2 suicide attempts... and a depression with no light at the end of the tunnel. This is my life now. It's almost a "double life" I suppose. On one hand, I'm in school for massage therapy and I offer advice to any that ask it of me. Several ask... On the other hand, I cut and stay in my room, sleep a lot, and well be depressed.
Someone added me tonight on Facebook and said that he was always glad to meet others on the path... I don't feel like I'm on the path. Actually, I feel like I've taken a non-GPSed route off of the path that I thought I was so entrenched and in love with. Basically, I don't feel "worthy" to be on that path anymore... But, I guess I'll keep working on that.
Now that I've done some writing, I hope Spirit is satisfied and I'm able to sleep now...
Ciao~*~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)