Sleep is Optional Apparently

I have asked and re-asked Spirit to grant me peace tonight so that my spirit may heal and rest in it's own right. I keep getting that I need to write. I can't find my old poems to put on here so I guess I shall write about what is first on my mind... and what I can't seem to speak aloud...

I lost my virginity at age 4 to my father. I'm not sure how often he would molest me. It's one of those things that my subconscious has hidden from me. Perhaps through this writing I will remember or perhaps I will learn to accept that not remembering is a grace from Spirit. One question... if you lose your virginity at 4 doesn't that mean that you are destined to be promiscuous in your teenage and 20's? I don't know that I've ever "made love" or even believe in that. My body was always used as a tool to keep a boyfriend, get a boyfriend, or make someone else happy. So, I never truly cared if I was promiscuous by society's standards or not.

Now, after leaving a relationship that was less than wholesome for my psyche I'm forced to re-evaluate things. I asked for someone to love and accept Cheyenne like she was his own. And, I got that in Rikki. I guess that what I forgot to ask for was someone to love me as well. I thought that would just come with the "relationship" but we hadn't had sex for almost 2 1/2 years and probably only had sex a handful of times of the course of our 5 year relationship. It's one of those things that I went from a lot to none.

Of course, being female in persuasion, I opted to assume that it was my fault that he didn't want to have sex with me. Now, I'm to the point of thinking that it was my fault because I haven't been a "whole" person since I was 4... or maybe at 2 when he tried to drown me? I'm not sure when everything got all fucked up but it definitely has.

So, 7 days... 2 suicide attempts... and a depression with no light at the end of the tunnel. This is my life now. It's almost a "double life" I suppose. On one hand, I'm in school for massage therapy and I offer advice to any that ask it of me. Several ask... On the other hand, I cut and stay in my room, sleep a lot, and well be depressed.

Someone added me tonight on Facebook and said that he was always glad to meet others on the path... I don't feel like I'm on the path. Actually, I feel like I've taken a non-GPSed route off of the path that I thought I was so entrenched and in love with. Basically, I don't feel "worthy" to be on that path anymore... But, I guess I'll keep working on that.

Now that I've done some writing, I hope Spirit is satisfied and I'm able to sleep now...

Ciao~*~