People
People...
Of all nationalities
Races and religions
People...
Forever searching,
Always hoping,
Never finding.
People...
Living for,
Wishing for,
Dying for...
Peace.
~Shanelle
The Crusader
Always hoping
Always loving
Never seeing the bad...
Only the good
The crusader
Save the world
Save the soul,
Every wrong ...
Can be made a right
The Crusader
A naive heart,
An optimistic soul.
The Crusader
Heart torn,
Broken,
Stepped on...
Lying on the floor.
The Crusader
Dreams lost,
Broken
and forgotten,
Lying at the door.
The Crusader
Let mankind
save itself.
I give up,
I don't care
The Crusader
~Shanelle
The Wall of Life
I walk through each day
With the mask of life in place.
No one can tell
The true emotion on my face.
Maybe someday the wall will crumble.
The mask I wear
Hides me from all.
My emotions forever
Locked behind a wall.
Maybe someday the wall will fall.
I know you try to to find
A way to free me.
But can't you see???
My wall will forever bind.
~Shanelle
Rain Forest
Darkly menacing,
Gently swaying...
Always breathing...
Forever living.
The jungle paths twist and turn
Like a living, breathing maze.
The vibrant colors are forever alive
They will grow brighter... always.
The jungle animals are forever stalking
The look in their eyes
Forever remembered...
As one of our demise.
A cry in the night
Of one lone panther...
A growl in the shadows
Of one majestic jaguar.
Deeply encompassing,
The fears surround
And leave with one forever...
The feeling of being bound.
~Shanelle
more to follow later............ i'm tired now.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sleep is Optional Apparently
I have asked and re-asked Spirit to grant me peace tonight so that my spirit may heal and rest in it's own right. I keep getting that I need to write. I can't find my old poems to put on here so I guess I shall write about what is first on my mind... and what I can't seem to speak aloud...
I lost my virginity at age 4 to my father. I'm not sure how often he would molest me. It's one of those things that my subconscious has hidden from me. Perhaps through this writing I will remember or perhaps I will learn to accept that not remembering is a grace from Spirit. One question... if you lose your virginity at 4 doesn't that mean that you are destined to be promiscuous in your teenage and 20's? I don't know that I've ever "made love" or even believe in that. My body was always used as a tool to keep a boyfriend, get a boyfriend, or make someone else happy. So, I never truly cared if I was promiscuous by society's standards or not.
Now, after leaving a relationship that was less than wholesome for my psyche I'm forced to re-evaluate things. I asked for someone to love and accept Cheyenne like she was his own. And, I got that in Rikki. I guess that what I forgot to ask for was someone to love me as well. I thought that would just come with the "relationship" but we hadn't had sex for almost 2 1/2 years and probably only had sex a handful of times of the course of our 5 year relationship. It's one of those things that I went from a lot to none.
Of course, being female in persuasion, I opted to assume that it was my fault that he didn't want to have sex with me. Now, I'm to the point of thinking that it was my fault because I haven't been a "whole" person since I was 4... or maybe at 2 when he tried to drown me? I'm not sure when everything got all fucked up but it definitely has.
So, 7 days... 2 suicide attempts... and a depression with no light at the end of the tunnel. This is my life now. It's almost a "double life" I suppose. On one hand, I'm in school for massage therapy and I offer advice to any that ask it of me. Several ask... On the other hand, I cut and stay in my room, sleep a lot, and well be depressed.
Someone added me tonight on Facebook and said that he was always glad to meet others on the path... I don't feel like I'm on the path. Actually, I feel like I've taken a non-GPSed route off of the path that I thought I was so entrenched and in love with. Basically, I don't feel "worthy" to be on that path anymore... But, I guess I'll keep working on that.
Now that I've done some writing, I hope Spirit is satisfied and I'm able to sleep now...
Ciao~*~
I lost my virginity at age 4 to my father. I'm not sure how often he would molest me. It's one of those things that my subconscious has hidden from me. Perhaps through this writing I will remember or perhaps I will learn to accept that not remembering is a grace from Spirit. One question... if you lose your virginity at 4 doesn't that mean that you are destined to be promiscuous in your teenage and 20's? I don't know that I've ever "made love" or even believe in that. My body was always used as a tool to keep a boyfriend, get a boyfriend, or make someone else happy. So, I never truly cared if I was promiscuous by society's standards or not.
Now, after leaving a relationship that was less than wholesome for my psyche I'm forced to re-evaluate things. I asked for someone to love and accept Cheyenne like she was his own. And, I got that in Rikki. I guess that what I forgot to ask for was someone to love me as well. I thought that would just come with the "relationship" but we hadn't had sex for almost 2 1/2 years and probably only had sex a handful of times of the course of our 5 year relationship. It's one of those things that I went from a lot to none.
Of course, being female in persuasion, I opted to assume that it was my fault that he didn't want to have sex with me. Now, I'm to the point of thinking that it was my fault because I haven't been a "whole" person since I was 4... or maybe at 2 when he tried to drown me? I'm not sure when everything got all fucked up but it definitely has.
So, 7 days... 2 suicide attempts... and a depression with no light at the end of the tunnel. This is my life now. It's almost a "double life" I suppose. On one hand, I'm in school for massage therapy and I offer advice to any that ask it of me. Several ask... On the other hand, I cut and stay in my room, sleep a lot, and well be depressed.
Someone added me tonight on Facebook and said that he was always glad to meet others on the path... I don't feel like I'm on the path. Actually, I feel like I've taken a non-GPSed route off of the path that I thought I was so entrenched and in love with. Basically, I don't feel "worthy" to be on that path anymore... But, I guess I'll keep working on that.
Now that I've done some writing, I hope Spirit is satisfied and I'm able to sleep now...
Ciao~*~
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Eternal Serendipity????
So, I've been encouraged to write. Good stuff, bad stuff, all stuff. I've procrastinated to the point that I've internalized my entire life. And, I wonder what advantage that has given me. Sure, I've kept my life fairly private. Only a few close friends know the "real" me... However, much has been lost in the translation of my life. And, I'm afraid the transcriptionist has left mountains of unfinished life lessons.
Serendipity is a propensity for making fortuitous discoveries while looking for something unrelated. I named this blog "Eternal Serendipity" so that I would always remember that as a child of Spirit, I have this ability to ALWAYS find the good in things along the way to a different discovery. Do I always practice this? No, unfortunately. I have dutifully chosen to live my life in the duality of humanity and spirit. The toughest part is to always find the good.
I am a "cutter." I have been for a long time. To take a blade to my skin doesn't mean a damn thing to me. People think I do it for attention or any other selfish reason. I do it for two reasons. One is so that I don't hurt anyone as much as the pain that I'm feeling and the second reason is because I don't put a lot of stock into my physical body. I don't know that I've ever had a "whole" body. Can you truly have a whole body if your sperm donor takes your virginity at the tender age of 4 and covers it up for years? All those years that I thought it was ME that was fucked up and making horrible relationship choices, I've come to realize were years and decisions that I was reenacting the scenes from my childhood. Fairly sick if you ask me.
So, here I am at the end of yet another relationship. He is a good man. However, "we" are not a good combination. A friend used the analogy that if one of us were baking soda and the other was vinegar that we do marvelous things on our own... but if you combine us you get a fairly volatile reaction. I think that is a great analogy. And, this time around, I did learn the whole "reenactment of my childhood" thing. So, hopefully if there is ever another love in my life, I will be able to catch those warning signs before five years have gone by.
I think that the parents of little girls should teach them truth, honesty, and independence... and maybe that those stupid fairy tales are just stories that are told at bedtime and never really happen. Just my opinion.
~Shanelle
Serendipity is a propensity for making fortuitous discoveries while looking for something unrelated. I named this blog "Eternal Serendipity" so that I would always remember that as a child of Spirit, I have this ability to ALWAYS find the good in things along the way to a different discovery. Do I always practice this? No, unfortunately. I have dutifully chosen to live my life in the duality of humanity and spirit. The toughest part is to always find the good.
I am a "cutter." I have been for a long time. To take a blade to my skin doesn't mean a damn thing to me. People think I do it for attention or any other selfish reason. I do it for two reasons. One is so that I don't hurt anyone as much as the pain that I'm feeling and the second reason is because I don't put a lot of stock into my physical body. I don't know that I've ever had a "whole" body. Can you truly have a whole body if your sperm donor takes your virginity at the tender age of 4 and covers it up for years? All those years that I thought it was ME that was fucked up and making horrible relationship choices, I've come to realize were years and decisions that I was reenacting the scenes from my childhood. Fairly sick if you ask me.
So, here I am at the end of yet another relationship. He is a good man. However, "we" are not a good combination. A friend used the analogy that if one of us were baking soda and the other was vinegar that we do marvelous things on our own... but if you combine us you get a fairly volatile reaction. I think that is a great analogy. And, this time around, I did learn the whole "reenactment of my childhood" thing. So, hopefully if there is ever another love in my life, I will be able to catch those warning signs before five years have gone by.
I think that the parents of little girls should teach them truth, honesty, and independence... and maybe that those stupid fairy tales are just stories that are told at bedtime and never really happen. Just my opinion.
~Shanelle
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